Dear Readers- if there is in fact anybody still out there…
I hope that you have all had a wonderful christmas and enjoy the New year with a bang in a few days time.
This post is my metaphorical scream. In the movies, characters can run out into vast open spaces and yell out their frustration at the world, but around here, it would probably only end up with the police being called and several neighbours spreading the word that you have in fact, gone insane. While I may be insane, this is my metaphorical scream into the open air of my bedroom.
I have had an awful year. I used to do this thing where I wrote down at least three positive things that had happened each day. I’m not sure when that ended, but it did.
I spend a lot of my time at University crying my heart out in my room. I have had breakdown after breakdown and this year the emotions do not limit themselves to my bedroom. They occur in the library, in pubs, in the night club, and we can probably throw in a few 3am cries in the fast food place that we all stumble into at the end of the night.
My nan died at the beginning of the year, I spend a lot of my time ducking and dodging my ex as well as the friends in my group from last year who I have decided, really aren’t my friends at all. Because those who message to tell you that they are there for you when it’s easy to be and turn away when it is not, are not people that I want to associate myself with anymore.
I am not sure what inspired me to write this post. To tell the truth, I am not very sure of anything anymore. I just wanted to write, and while my ongoing novel desperately requires my attention, I barely know myself anymore and I can’t continue writing a story that the old me began several years ago, as that person is someone I know longer recognise.
My friends from home really enjoy University and while I would never discourage someone from going, I just want people to know that not everyone can handle it. I am still desperately waiting for these years to be the ‘best of my life’ while I’m sat -£900 in my overdraft and dreading the coming semester with each passing day.
It is a means to an end- I need my degree for becoming a teacher and for that reason I persevere even when some of my closest friends tell me themselves that they have never known me so unhappy and want me to drop out. I do not believe it is worth wasting so much money and time and emotions on something to just drop out- then it would well and truly be wasted.
I cann’t give advice to people when all I am doing is my most to keep my head above the water. I have barely read a book in the past year, and a me without a book in her hand or an idea constantly being scribbled on the notes page of my phone is not a me that I particularly like or recognise.
But maybe this could help. A blog is an outlet afterall. Maybe it should just be an outlet for me though, one without pressures of an audience. Maybe that might just work in bringing some kind of writing energy- or any energy at all- back into my life.
Happy New Years eve, eve, eve, and to all a goodnight.